A few weeks ago I was browsing YouTube in search of storytime that would help me get through the bitter gulp of having to wash dishes when, suddenly (and look how wonderful the YouTube algorithm is that knows what kind of content is going to leave me thinking), I found a quite peculiar video. It was a renowned Spanish porn actress telling her experience of the famous " polyamory ". It was the first time I had heard the term, and although it was easy to deduce from its etymology what the matter could be about, I decided to play the video to see what type of precious stones I could find 😵.
It was no big deal, just a person whose exposure skills were good enough to convince any gullible that the idea of getting romantically involved with multiple people at the same time is the new canon of the 21st-century lifestyle. However, it is not the extreme moral relaxation behind all this that worried me and motivated me to write, but the increasingly palpable influence of the consumer culture and dismiss us: a generation that lives boasting of its irreverence and pragmatism, but which yields to the first novelty without questioning it as much as it questions other things. Zigmunt Bauman (2003) encapsulates this very well in the prologue of "Liquid Love" :
(...) They say that their desire, their passion, their purpose or their dream is to "relate". But really, aren't they rather concerned with preventing their relationships from crystallizing and curdling? Are they really looking for sustained relationships, as they say, or do they want more than anything that those relationships be light and loose, following the pattern of Richard Baxter, according to which riches are supposed to "rest on the shoulders like a light coat" to to be able to “get rid of them at any time”? Ultimately, what kind of advice are you really seeking? How to tie the relationship or how - just in case - to undo it without prejudice and without charges of conscience?
We try to patch everything up by claiming the best intentions and supposed trust and freedom as axes, when what we really do is throw an invisible ball at the other so that if something goes wrong, the fault lies with those who accepted - because they "were aware" of what that it could happen - and not in our stubborn desire to want to experience everything as it may and whatever the cost.
18 and "nothing"?
I brought up the theme of polyamory because I want you to realize what is happening with people and the way in which society relativizes everything. Leaving aside the dilemma about whether it is "good or bad" (you will already know how to draw your own conclusions), situations like that derive from an almost imperceptible pressure on us to act in a certain way, something that we don't notice anymore because it is no longer like in movies where coercion is explicitly manifested by bullying or comments from "friends" who have no idea how to lead their own lives; now it is much worse: they sell us movies, series, music, even people who try to make lightness in emotional commitment seem completely normal or, failing that, make us believe that falling in love with anyone in an insane and superficial way ( * cof cof Netflix entire catalog) is okay. Of course, this is not a new thing of this century, but if we take into account the influence of the internet and the culture of the instantaneous, the effect intensifies.
Then Jane or Joe -because it happens to men and women- all innocent and inexperienced arrives at college, meets with the new gentlemen friends and decides that they need to live everything, become "man", become "woman", gain experience because they do not want to be told later that they are 17, 18 or 19 years old and have not "done anything" or have not "winnowed" enough. Or worse yet, because they think they have something to prove themselves. And a futile race begins for who gets more; no one tells them but they perceive it everywhere and it begins to become a need, not someone's need, but the need for more.
However, what Jane and Joe do not know is that love and relationships are not the new chewing gum that you can chew and discard. They are unaware that their attitude can lead to many types of disappointing and destructive situations, and above all, they are terribly unaware that that innocence that everyone tries to tell them is useless, is actually a beautiful reality that only the right people will value as must be. And, as always, to find them they must be brave and leave the mediocrity of the circle that surrounds them.
What to do now?
Personally, I no longer talk about my love life💔 and not because it is something I have to be ashamed of, but because it is not the type of information that people need to establish a friendly relationship with me. It sometimes happens, in the case of women, that there are some men who begin to see us as "cattle", simple fresh meat for sale (it usually happens when they find out that they have never had a boyfriend or given their first kiss), and In the case of boys, new friendships - in their ignorance - could lead them to do things that make girls with potential interest in them lose it completely; not because of what they did, but because of the lack of personality that led them to give in without much thought.
We always have to ask ourselves what our intentions are. Do we believe, in our hearts, that person is worth knowing, or are we going to take advantage of each other and then pretend that it meant something else? ...And if we don't care, why don't we care?
I know it is difficult, it is very hard, because we have practically written it in our DNA🤒, but we have the capacity to think and we have a will. Willingness to decide what we want based on our value system. Willingness not to want another person to suffer unnecessarily at our whim. Dear readers who remain silent anonymity, if you are going through a similar situation, strive, and be brave. There are many people, but above all, there is Someone who does not want us to suffer uselessly.
I invite you to leave a comment. It doesn't have to be long, just a sign that they are there (although I know you are).